There are many thoughts come to me recently. Not because I was too busy thinking but because I was too busy keeping myself away from thinking too much. How to express yourself from thoughts to words? I found it hard to write down your thoughts the same way of translating life to picture.
The thought was beautiful in my head but when I was start writing it down it all went away. How strange! How to capture your thought at the moment, at the right frequency? That must be what all the writers out there were trying to capture.
I am going to write down my thought as raw as it is in my head. Then maybe one day, I don’t have to think too much in how to express my thought out loud. To write things down, things that happened, things that have feelings, things that define, that confirm, that stay, such things should be carefully put down in paper. Maybe one day, one might find it helpful or hurtful.
I am trying to write things down so that I can reflect my time, my being. How I am is how my thinking is. If I can’t think straight, I can’t live life in the most honest way.
The number 27 has been with me for a long time. It has not been since I was born because I wouldn’t know how to count by then. I am not a genius. I am a normal kid with no extraordinary skill. I think I like it that way. I like to live, love, and laugh normally. I like to live as honest as possible. If not in front of others, at least I want to have it with me. Till today, I still live as if I am the center of the universe. Everyone around me, everything that happens, all the works of society and things, things are important. Reality verses situation.
Are the people in this coffee shop, as I am sitting here right now, have lived their own lives? Or, are they just some one living their “meant to be life” for me to see such a scene in front of me? Existence verses imagination.
Chasing things and waiting for things to come, what would you prefer? As time went by, I think there are more occasions when things came to me instead of me chasing it. But by accepting things, I allow myself to chase after it.
Because of all those thoughts and how I develop my thinking, I tend to live away from people instead of with people. I said that I want to serve people but I was really thinking that serving people will eventually serving me. The end of thought is always about me and not others. For the last 27 years of life, I often live as if everything revolve around me. But I want that to change. I don’t want to live like that anymore. I don’t want to think that everything is about me and for me. I want to live with others and not for me. Sometimes I have to say that out loud so I can be more conscious about the people around me. That not their actions would shape me and I also make an impact on others’ lives as well.
I tend to ignore people a lot. I am very bad at keeping connections or stay in a good one. I stop chasing things and let things come to me. I don’t want that anymore. I want to chase things now. I want to look out for others. I want to do more. I’ve been laying for too long already. It’s good that I’ve been doing so. Now I think I’m ready to say yes. Say yes to anything comes at me because I want to actively chasing life. I am not chasing after the wind without purpose and assurance. I am chasing after life to give away who I am. To add to the dish a little more flavor and to the world one more shining spark.
It is that time to turn the book of memory, to a blank page of endless line. Let’s start filling the line with words of encouragement and inspiring stories. I am ready. I need to remind myself that I am ready. That I need to move forward, chasing my dream, the dream of serving.