I think I’m an expert at FARMING!

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Please let me explain. I have been staying inside for a whole week. My biggest accomplishments so far is to leveling up on the game called Escape and being an expert at farming in Hay Day. Oh how life has gotten a hold of me!

My day to day basic of this week sounds like this:

– I would get up after roughly 8 hours of sleep every single day. I am actually proud of myself of having a good amount of sleep.

— Then I would turn on my phone and play Escape until I ran out of “lives”.

—— Then I would check on my farm in Hay Day. I actually started this game during my college years to cope with the boredom at that time. Ever since, I would never have thought that I restarted the game right from level 1. I think I am an expert with this game already.

– After I had done all the check list for the morning, I finally got up and hoping to make myself a cup of coffee. However, sometimes I would be able to get the coffee right away but sometimes I have to clean up my kitchen before doing anything. So today was one of those days, I cleaned up the mess that I made from yesterday.

– Next, I started on the coffee and sometimes breakfast with breads and pan-fried eggs. Oh, I haven’t shared my experience of baking yet! Yes I do bake sometimes. I will sure share that once I figure out how to make the dough perfectly.

– Then I would consider either to continue reading book or playing mobile games. Today, I went back to play those games. :D!

– I might skip lunch if I had breakfast too late and went straight to dinner. Usually my dinner will be around 1800 and then I would just laying in my bed and play those games to almost midnight to fall asleep and start the next day all over again.

Get up and bake – DIEM

Such is my expensive stay-cation of the year! There are a lot of leisure time and being not productive in terms of making money or doing something. But for me, such time is the most productive for my brain and my mind. I would keep thinking and thinking about the things that I read from the book. My mind is always occupied with situations and problems and solving and all of that. Sometimes it feels like a war in my head. But this is a great fight! I have to re-questioning my faith over and over again. To all the claim and the disclaim of Christ, what do I want to believe and how do I believe it. [I’m tired. My brain is tired].

A little about me that you might not know, I am a devout Christian. I went to college to pursue Christianity and its goodness. However, my quest to taste more of its sweetness and the tender love of Christ has only taken over me with more knowledge and information of some sort of a religion. I was overwhelmed by those years of constantly testing my faith. Eventually, I came to term with myself. I has already given everything I had, my passion and my willingness, so I bet it all on Christ. Hence, I would continue to do so until I am graduated from this world.

As if those years were not enough of keep me pushing on with life, until today, my mind is not rested. The book that I has been reading was The Sins of Scripture by John Shelby Spong. The author has many many disclaimers about the traditional Christianity. Some of those have me considering and fighting as if my faith has been put on a scale. I have to look at all the evidence that I have experienced in my life so far of Christ to “unzip” what has been said in this book. To be honest, this task is very daunting. My mind is constantly doing this while I was playing games, or while I was baking, or while I was eating, or while I was laying down… I would love to give my opinion about the author’s words but I am hesitant to express my developing thoughts for I might have to loose what I had already bind.

Thank you for reading this post full of my confusing and tangling thoughts. I just wanted to say it all out in the open for now so that later on, when I had a chance to reflect the person I had become, that I would be proud of that person who I once was.

Keep Your Mind Busy

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While the world has been hiding from fear, let your mind not hiding behind the screen of Netflix or YouTube. Keep your mind busy and think about new thoughts, old thoughts, your own thoughts and other’s thoughts. You can read new books. You can learn new skills. You can utilize this rare free time to do things that you have been wanting to do.

For me, I wanted to study the Bible for as long as I remember… which was right after my graduation. I wanted to learn more and understand more the world of theology. But somehow I keep putting that thought aside and moving on with life. Now, I figure is a good time to get back to that urge of old and start the study.

John 1: 1-13

I started the study by learning by heart the Gospel of John. I want to be able to recite and remember word by word. This is an extreme way of learning the Bible. However, if you would like to start learning the Bible, I would suggest to read other texts to enhance your knowledge.

My message for today is to keep your mind busy by doing things that your heart desires but yet accomplished. This will somehow gives you that sense of purpose and contentment of the day.

I am going to continue reading books and be inspired by others’ knowledge. Keeping my mind busy is not hard but sometimes I can be very distracting. But whether I am doing what I plan to do or doing something else, I am mindful of my actions. That allows me to think that life is not all about perfection but the ability to enjoy life through everything else.

Where have I been?

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Did you remember how I was complaining of having too much freedom and an extending of time to do absolutely nothing? For the passed ten days of non-stop working and being stressed out, I am now finally having sometimes to vent my deepest uttering words that I can finally BREATH now!

Close your eyes – Take a deep breath – Hold as long as you can – Breath out

Now do that again for 5 times, for sure you will feel better
– Both your mind and your soul

I just started a new job of being a scribe. I learned a lot so far and enjoyed my co-workers. However, nothing is perfect until you want to make it so. I didn’t have a proper training time and was thrown into a lot of unfamiliar situations. I was stressed. My provider was stressed. There was earnestly nothing to improve such matters except pushing through with it. We both did. Life moved on. But I couldn’t.

I felt like my present of being at the clinic only beneficial to enhance my medical knowledge instead of doing the very mean of being a scribe, saving Doctors. Of course, I would advance in a matter of time but nonetheless, the burdening feeling bothered me a lot. I had to think about resigning and moving on to the next chapter.

That was couple days ago when I felt like I could not take it anymore. My mind and my soul were restless. I was done. I called up my old job and asked if they wanted me back. And, they sure did! It was stressful that night. Sleeping was out of reach, turning and tossing. Tumbling upon the idea of life, money, and responsibility.

My heart is finally decided to move on.

But you know life is always taking its turn to surprise you one way or other. Since the recent Coronavirus threat, not a lot of healthy people want to expose themselves to the outsiders and the sick people want to stay away from others, there were not a lot of people coming to the cline. Therefore, the moment my heart moved on, the situation also got a hold of me for the better.

Oregon State has just declared a statewide lockdown. Here I am, thinking of a creative way to stay at home and make some more presentable purposes in life.

I celebrated my friend’s birthday yesterday and had a little fun filming it. Maybe I should move to YouTube and record my life! If you have time, come over her channel and wish her happy birthday. 🙂

Click on the link here to the video

Anyways my dear readers, my friends, stay healthy and I will sure write more often since I have all the time in the world to do such. By the way, I am still reading the book “The Sins of Scripture” and I will update my process and my thought on the book next time.

Stay-tuned and BE BLESSED.

Late Post Tuesday

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I am reluctant to post something today. Tuesday is my day off and I usually get up very late. Last night I imagined myself waking up early today to do everything all at once, and that didn’t happen of course. I found time went by as fast as usual even when I was doing nothing at home. However, today wasn’t all that wasted.

I went to look for places to rent in the future. I am planning to move closer to the working area so I don’t have to drive too far everyday. And, maybe not the main reason but one of them, I want to change the environment. Do you ever find yourself changing your room setting once every few months? I am that type who’s always on the look for something new, creating new environments, new ideas, new looks, new changes! The house searching wasn’t a successful today but it was a learning journey. I didn’t know it was that hard searching for new places. But then I started learning about the area and the likelihood of the neighbors around. I got to know that I was very picky at those places as well. I need to grow up in this area, be content with things.

After visiting 3 apartments, bookstore was the next stop. I got to a very good place with variety of choices. I like to go to bookstore more than shopping books online. That feeling of touching each page with the scent of rusty papers, such classic feeling can’t be replaced with all the scrolling on an iPad.

I stumbled upon this very interesting book by John Shelby Spong. After reading a paragraph, I got drawn into the text and the way he was explaining, so simply yet informative.

I will sure update of this reading on my next posts!

I am planning on starting a research project of expressing my Christianity. There are so many Christians giving their thoughts of what it means to be Christian and I want to join the race. Everyone has a different point of view and I have mine as well. I wanted to do this a while ago after I graduated the Studies of Bible and Theology, however, I was hesitant until now. I was impregnated with the idea of defending my Christianity to my friends who were curious but also carefully considering. Of all those Christian believes out there, not all of them are in unison with the theology but all point toward Christ from different directions. I hope to be another enhancer to the light which has already been lit up since the death and the resurrection of Christ.

For this, I would love to have you, my readers, as my partners in exploring the idea of being human, fragile, broken, yet has been redeemed, rebuild, retouch, and brought up to light.

What a Tuesday and more to come!

Monday Devotion

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It’s always good waking up from a rested sleep.


“How are you doing? Asked my soul.

It’s not as bad, said my straight face.

Bad? Why started your day so gloomy?

I fathom it’s just another day, another week.

No, no, it’s not. It’s your day. Make it yours.

You are right. It is my day. I define it. And I want to make it mine.”


—- Breathing in. Breathing out. A deep breath for the soul. Another deep breath for a smile. Close your eyes and imagine how your day goes. Start with a positive note, who knows, you might end up with a happy day. —-

Revisiting the ultimate goal that I want for my life. What do I want to be? What do you want to be? — I want to be known as a person who serve, that was my answer during the first year college when I was still figuring out myself. I want to serve anywhere, anyhow, and anyway I can. I want to look out for any chances that I can serve today. When I’m at home, when I’m at work, when I’m at a super market, or when run errands, I want to be ready to offer my service.

Be happy my soul, for today is your day, the day that the LORD has made. Go out there and live your life. Live to the fullest knowing that He will always be with you.

Be blessed.

Sunday Sermon Online

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As the day has come closer to an end before another, yet, a new morning, I want to jot down some thought to keep my mind and my soul active.

I didn’t do much today, even though it was a Sunday. I didn’t go to church today. Not because of the Corona Virus news has began reaching to my neighborhood, nor I was scared to get outside, I was just not really into church lately.

I am at a stage, or a period, or some might say, a season of taking back and watch. I am taking back on the thought of going to church and attending a sermon/mass. I have many reasons for it and to summarize it, the only thing I want to share to you as well as to myself, is that I want to take a break. And I think that’s okay to take a break on communion.

Maybe I haven’t found a place to feel belonged yet and that’s why I have been listening to sermons online. I would like to go deeper into this topic once I have enough research for it. But for now, all I can say is that I am not ready to plug in to a new church, a new community, a new set of rules and gangs. I want to wait for it.

Enough of all that internal attacking thoughts, I want this post to be simple and lighthearted. After all, we are still learning to live and love as we grow up, day by days.

Today went a little like…

For a sudden, I forgot what happened today. Haha. How did I spend my day without putting a foot outside of the house? I woke up late. I had no agenda. I just let the day go by. I didn’t even brush my teeth right after I woke up. I turned on my phone and realized that it was Daylight Saving. Then I watched a Sermon from Pastor Judah Smith on the app called Churchome. He talked about how we all wanted to be closer to God and that was the very reason why most Christians attending Church service. I learned to let go of human condition and lean more on God’s grace.

Then I played an app game on my phone called Homescapes. It was a good game. I played that game whenever I wanted to kill time. Then I hung out on the WordPress and answered your comments on my posts. Then I had breakfast at 1pm and back to play some more levels and watched YouTube. There are a lot of “then” and I guess that’s the accurate description of today.

THEN, I wrote this all down, my thought, my mind, and my being. It’s not a productive day but it was one of my days. Even though I didn’t get anything done in particular, I have the day to rest, to hang out about, to move, to feel, and to love. That’s enough for me. I feel content and encouraged in many ways today.

Tomorrow will be different. I will have a busy schedule until 7pm. I will learn more things. I will meet more people. But, let tomorrow worry about tomorrow.

I am satisfied with today and that’s what I called blessing.

Weekend Clean Up – Daily Attempt

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I spend almost the entire day today dedicated to clean up my ginormous closet. There are so many clothes that they overwhelm my every being. OMG! Not all of the clothes are mine but there was once I have shared them all with my roommate. Have you ever watched that show on Netflix about a Japanese lady tried to help others organzing their stuffs? Stuffs! Stuffs! Stuffs!

I am in a process of learning how to let go.

How to let go of stuffs is the skill that everyone will learn eventually. Heck, you might already have! You have learnt how to let go of your lost eraser when you started Kindergarten. You have learnt how to say good-bye to your best friends over the summer of 5th grade. You have learnt how to let go of that person once was your forever love. Look at you! That very skill of letting go might have saved you a big deal, am I right or am I right?

Lesson has learnt today that I was not ready to let go of the stuffs that I needed to let go. So I put everything in an organizing bag and sealed it off. There will be one day when I am ready to send it all, far far away from me. I will learn to live a minimalist life. I will, yes I will!… Somehow thou, that idea doesn’t seem too realistic right now. Ugh, I am such a hoarder!

I will go to sleep now. And tomorrow, I hope the burden will be lifted up from my shoulders. And by then, I might be able to let go of unnecessary things that were once belonged to me.

Reflection – Daily Attempt

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This week has been the most effective week ever since I got back from being slacking for almost 3 months! I am glad that I got back on my feet a little bit though. If you’ve been reading my posts, it’s okay if you haven’t, you might kinda see what I meant. Some of the posts were in Vietnamese so it would be even more difficult for you to understand, my English readers. I’m thinking of expressing my thought in English from now on and maybe, occasionally, in Vietnamese when I’m in a mood for it. In that case you gotta use Google translator for it because I wouldn’t be able to translate it to its full meaning. That doesn’t mean that I endorse Google translator since all of you fully know its capacity. But I also know my own limit.

Having something to do is great! By doing some works, either minor or great, it gives you a sense purpose somehow. I thought life would only empower me when I’m doing great thing! But oh dear I was wrong, even just a little thing would do just fine.

Now, I have a schedule to follow.

Now, I can get up in the morning and getting ready to go outside.

Now, I won’t be idled around the house wanting to do something.

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
I Corinthians 10:31

Let’s put aside all those positive notes and that sense of accomplishment, I would like to talk about the topic of growing up.

What does it mean to grow up?

The first thought about growing up would appear most with an idea of a new born baby to grow to a full size of an adult, that’s physical growth. In that sense, growing up mean you need to feed your body nutritional food in order to be fully developed.

The second thought might be about your mentality. You also need to learn new things and hard things in order to survive in this harsh society. That’s why there’s school and classes and the stress of passing grades.

The third thought, some might agree with this and some might not but I don’t want to ignore it, the thought of sexual maturity is also very important. Your body will speak to you in a very special way of attraction.

And the last but not least, spiritual grow is the most significant growth of a person. Everyday with all the distractions and all the temptations, you learn to grow spiritually in dependence with God. You learn to give up on your own strength and look up to God’s grace. I am growing up every single day learning to rest in His ultimate peace. This is one of my favorite verses of the Bible:

One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.

Psalm 27:4

When do we stop growing?

Of course you will stop growing up physically when you reach your prime age. So this prime age is very dependable on your living environment.

You won’t ever stop learning something new and I believe you will continue to learn after you graduate the school of life. You will keep on learning even when you’re in heaven or even hell. I don’t look at hell as a punishment but rather a place for you to continue to learn. I would love to talk more about this topic in the next posts to satisfy you, my curious readers, as well as my own soul.

You will eventually settle on your sexual attraction. You will find the love of your life and learn to love them more than yourself.

Just like your growth in knowledge, your spiritual growth will never cease to yearn for more of God’s love. This is the reason why I am always striving to the next day, learning to grow in Christ. Until I am with Him, nothing will ever satisfy my soul. Even when I am in hell, I will look up to Him who has shown me grace no matter what. If you happened to look somewhere else, I would suggest to find Christ where you’re at. He will meet you there and together, we will grow beautifully in Christ.

How can we keep growing?

To answer this, I want to share this story with you about the vine and the branches. If you are familiar with the story, it doesn’t hurt to hear it again. The story goes, Jesus is the vine and we are the branches. If we remain in Christ, and Christ in us, we will continue to grow. Just like our body, its source is from food, our soul, its source is from Christ.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.                      John 15:12-13

Thursday thought

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I find myself constantly thinking of what’s next, literally everything.

  • What am I going to do next?
  • What’s the next step after this?
  • Why am I doing this?
  • Seriously, I could do so much more!
  • What would I do differently than now?
  • Would I like it if it wasn’t the way I expected it to be?
  • Is it okay to be where I am right now?

Maybe I am at a time where others would say it’s mid-life crisis. “I have nothing entitle to my name. I own nothing.” That sense of failure often haunts me and reminds me of my life choices. Just like this morning, driving to work, I suddenly remembered that time when my body, my mind, and my soul gave up on me. I managed to get out of the thought but it’s still lingering. That lead me to this moment of fear. Hence, all the thoughts appear as a form of questioning all of my decisions.

Did this ever happen to you? It happened to me regardless of time, space, or season. Those questions would pop up while I was taking a shower, while I was driving, while I was just sitting down and looking at trees, even while I was doing my job.

This reminds me about this verse of the Bible when Peter said,

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

1 Peter 5:8

Because of all these thoughts constantly attacking me in all directions, I am more reminded that my God, the Creator, the Almighty, is always by my side and will get me through this time of trials.

Successful is not about the materials thing that you got at the end, but what you gain as a person is what matters. I don’t want to chase after things, after the wind. I want to chase things that are eternal, things that last.

I wouldn’t attempt to answer all the questions that listed, all of those bombarding thoughts. That wouldn’t satisfy my soul figuring out the answer. I want to give it up to God who has an entire plan for me. I want to trust God more than myself.

First day of being a scribe

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I woke up fairly early this morning just to get myself ready to start my floor training to be a scribe. If this is your first time heard about “scribing” as a job, you’re not entirely out of place because this job is pretty new in the market. This job was created under an impression of giving an extended arm and typing-skill-person to transcribe the interaction between the physicians and the patients.

In many occasions, doctors are too busy with their schedule that an idea of a scribe would help them a lot in charting or organizing appointment notes so that they have more freedom to have a deeper conversation with the patients and not worry a thing about what to write down.

I am not sure if I would like to keep this job as a career but more of an experience in the healthcare system of the US. I am aiming to go towards higher medical education such as PA or MD. I am still thinking about it. I might not show my enthusiasm on the first day at work but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to take this job seriously.

I learn many things today and I expect to learn more everyday for knowledge is power and knowledge is never enough for one to say I have all the knowledge in the world. For if one has said so, that person must be God, the Almighty, who knows.

I just wanted to share my life at this moment as how I wanted this blog to be. To be honest, I didn’t have that urge to write like I did on other posts. I just wanted to make this, writing, as a habit for me to learn to express myself more efficiently. I hope this will work and that my expression would be more and more clear for everyone to follow my thought easily.

I have a headache right now and it might interfere with my trend of thought. That’s why I would love to have a place where I can say whatever in my mind and not worry about a thing. The thing is, when you’re speaking to yourself and trying to expressing things out loud, the content of your thoughts don’t really matter. What matter, I think, in this situation, is the assessment of my being.

What I meant by that was by my writing, I would like to express my sincerity of my being instead of creating a content for my readers who actually didn’t even know who I am. What good does it give if I show you a beautiful dress without introducing the one who makes it, or the one who would wear it?

There would be day where I am ready to show who I am, as raw as I can be. And, there would be day where my heart is full of wonders and the words that come out of my head are all sugar coated. Today is a kind of days where I have absolutely no feelings involved whatsoever. I just said what exactly as it was, fragmented, scattered, vulnerable, loosed.

So if you actually read my writing to this point, I really appreciate your time and your effort trying to understand me. There will be one day when I reread this and I would be amazed at how brave I was, publishing this random thought.

HABITUAL

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Lately, I’ve been struggling with the idea of living life. How would you live so that you might say I’ve live out my life to the fullest of my capacity fulfilling all the purpose of the Creator?

It’s not easy to lay down at night and wholeheartedly expressing the satisfaction of life while you’re still thinking about what might life bring me tomorrow. Jesus did mention to not worry about tomorrow for what we eat and drink and even to the clothes we’re putting on has already been taken care of. But why, deep down in our heart, still that feeling of not enough.

Did I do my best today?

Did I use all the time that’s given to me wisely?

Did I do what I planned to do today?

Did I make it?

To all this, I thought of the movie, Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. If I had a chance to redo everything all over again, how would I live forward regarding the possibility of life?

Take it easy, I used to say that. But somehow, deep down, I don’t want to take it easy. I want to keep pushing forward no matter what.

  • I want to do my best today, regardless of time or space. I want to live my heart out to its capacity. I want to love with an honest intention, with all that I am.
  • I want to use all the time that’s given to me wisely and not wasting any moment. Always on the go, always forcing forward. Timing can be tough but the more I do, the more I will know, wisely.
  • All the plans I’ve ever wanted to reach, all of them are given and blessed. I want to move with a purpose in mind, with an intention of loving God and loving others.
  • At the end, He made it. He did. On that cross of reconciliation, He took it all upon Himself and made it through.

As apostle Paul has said, I am no longer live but He who lives in me. I would like to let Him, the maker of Heavens and Earth, the almighty, the one who loves me unconditionally, to lead me and guide me today to do exactly what I’m meant to be while I am still alive and living and moving and have my being.

This will be my habit for everyday. Affirmation of the life that God has given me and live with what He has appointed me to go and be fruitful.

Early Riser

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I was good at waking up early ever since I was little. But things would change, of course, when you grew up.

I’m getting back to the person who I used to be, I guess. Waking up early. Become a morning person. Getting things ready before dawn.

But now, I’m struggling.

I lost my track. My alarm was at 5 AM this morning. But then there’s no reason for me to wake up so early. I forgot why I was like that. Setting up an alarm so early and then laid back down thinking about why I set it up so early. Oh well, who has been in this type of boots before.

Then slowly I got myself up at 6 AM. I thought I would have a lot to do but then, think about it, I didn’t have a lot, just a few. So I started to rise.

I got up.

Washed myself.

Made coffee. Read a chapter of a book.

Got coffee. Learn a Bible verse from the app.

Sitting down. Drinking the coffee and writing this blog.

Okay, this is not bad at all. Now that I get myself ready for the day. All the little things that I go through every morning has been checked. I am ready to move on to the next thing.

So if anyone who happened to read this blog and in the same boots as me right now, it really is not bad to wake up so early after all. Why laying down waiting for the sun to come up instead waking up before the sun.

Take your time. Do things as slowly as you want. Because it seems like you really do have all the time in the world to do all your tasks in the morning when you get up early. Try it and let me know.

Peace to all.

It’s a SET UP – What about you?

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Walking towards a trap fully known

In and Out French fries for to go

Try not to glow then putting on that dress for a show

Fathoming such deep blue ocean slow, a trap

What to do when that’s no longer you

Up to the sky, there, would you see a clue?

Catching a breath of intention, move you

Knowing is part of what make you you

Losing life is gaining it, he said

How for sure did he attest?

No longer need an approval mess

“Just do it” is Nike fresh out of etch

Hiking is addicting 🌲🌲🌲

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Enjoy my random talk 🙂

So, whenever I am down or feeling stuffy, I would prefer a hike over everything else. The time that you have connecting with nature might bring a fresh batch of air to your soul.

You can just look up a trail via google map or alltrail app and other apps. Find the one with your hiking level such as easy, medium, hard, extremely hard, according to the different elevations and trail conditions. Once you start planning, playing the idea of hiking over and over again in your head. So you’re always ready for the actual hike. Just because, sometimes you might feel lazy and try not to do it but don’t worry, once you start, you can’t really stop. It’s every addictive in a sense.

I wanted to write a lot in this topic but writing while laying down just made it harder to think creatively. Therefore, I am going to stop at this paragraph and move on to do whatever next thing on list. Nah, I don’t have a list of things to do. Hmm, I guess making a check list will be my next thing.

Blank page

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There are many thoughts come to me recently. Not because I was too busy thinking but because I was too busy keeping myself away from thinking too much. How to express yourself from thoughts to words? I found it hard to write down your thoughts the same way of translating life to picture.

The thought was beautiful in my head but when I was start writing it down it all went away. How strange! How to capture your thought at the moment, at the right frequency? That must be what all the writers out there were trying to capture.

I am going to write down my thought as raw as it is in my head. Then maybe one day, I don’t have to think too much in how to express my thought out loud. To write things down, things that happened, things that have feelings, things that define, that confirm, that stay, such things should be carefully put down in paper. Maybe one day, one might find it helpful or hurtful.

I am trying to write things down so that I can reflect my time, my being. How I am is how my thinking is. If I can’t think straight, I can’t live life in the most honest way.

The number 27 has been with me for a long time. It has not been since I was born because I wouldn’t know how to count by then. I am not a genius. I am a normal kid with no extraordinary skill. I think I like it that way. I like to live, love, and laugh normally. I like to live as honest as possible. If not in front of others, at least I want to have it with me. Till today, I still live as if I am the center of the universe. Everyone around me, everything that happens, all the works of society and things, things are important. Reality verses situation.

Are the people in this coffee shop, as I am sitting here right now, have lived their own lives? Or, are they just some one living their “meant to be life” for me to see such a scene in front of me? Existence verses imagination.

Chasing things and waiting for things to come, what would you prefer? As time went by, I think there are more occasions when things came to me instead of me chasing it. But by accepting things, I allow myself to chase after it.

Because of all those thoughts and how I develop my thinking, I tend to live away from people instead of with people. I said that I want to serve people but I was really thinking that serving people will eventually serving me. The end of thought is always about me and not others. For the last 27 years of life, I often live as if everything revolve around me. But I want that to change. I don’t want to live like that anymore. I don’t want to think that everything is about me and for me. I want to live with others and not for me. Sometimes I have to say that out loud so I can be more conscious about the people around me. That not their actions would shape me and I also make an impact on others’ lives as well.

I tend to ignore people a lot. I am very bad at keeping connections or stay in a good one. I stop chasing things and let things come to me. I don’t want that anymore. I want to chase things now. I want to look out for others. I want to do more. I’ve been laying for too long already. It’s good that I’ve been doing so. Now I think I’m ready to say yes. Say yes to anything comes at me because I want to actively chasing life. I am not chasing after the wind without purpose and assurance. I am chasing after life to give away who I am. To add to the dish a little more flavor and to the world one more shining spark.

It is that time to turn the book of memory, to a blank page of endless line. Let’s start filling the line with words of encouragement and inspiring stories. I am ready. I need to remind myself that I am ready. That I need to move forward, chasing my dream, the dream of serving.

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When life

To self whom thinking much but assure in the uncertainty. 
Is it dangerous to think that way? 
To believe in the uncertainty? 
That one might lose its track on the way?

When life is not what but how

When life is not there but here

When life is not then but now

When life is not where but when?

Waking up with a purpose

Not specifically but directionally

Moving forward is the path

When life is worth living

For the one who waits, may yours [whatever it might be] comes abundantly. 

Sometimes it happens, Déjà Vu!

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Hôm nay lại là một ngày nữa mình chưa làm được điều gì hữu ích. Đã hơn một tháng rồi mình nghỉ ngơi ở nhà và không muốn đi ra ngoài làm gì cả. Có hôm mình ở trong phòng từ sáng tới tối, chỉ nằm trên giường coi video trên YouTube vậy thôi. Sáng nay phải có động lực giữ lắm, cộng với người bạn bên cạnh hiểu ý, nên mình mới đi ra ngoài đường ngồi ở quán cà phê gần nhà.

Có ai đã có khoảng thời gian như vầy như mình chưa? Thật sự mình không có cảm giác căng thẳng trong cuộc sống vì không có việc làm hay tốn thiếu gì. Mình cũng không có cảm giác sợ hãi hay lo lắng. Cái cảm giác mà mình có nó rất khó hiểu, at least là đối với mình là vậy. Cảm giác này nói sao ta, là cảm giác của một con sâu đang chuyển mình để chuẩn bị thành một loài khác từ bò bò xung quanh mấy lá cây tới một loài bay trên không trung với đôi cánh mỏng manh xinh đẹp. Mình không có ý nói là mình sẽ trở nên một con bướm với “đôi cánh mỏng manh xinh đẹp” đó đâu nha. Các bạn đừng có cười mình nha. Ý mình muốn nói là giai đoạn này, mình cảm giác như sẽ có một sự thay đổi lớn trong cuộc đời của mình vậy đó. Mình có rất nhiều dự tính nhưng không muốn thực hiện nó một cách hết lòng. Kiểu như mình vẫn còn đợi một điều gì đó mà sẽ thay đổi cách nhìn của mình hoàn toàn về mọi thứ. Nói như vậy thì nghe có vẽ hơi phóng đại một chút nhưng thật sự thì mình không biết diễn đạt cách rõ ràng hơn như vậy.

Mình đang viết câu chuyện về suy nghĩ của mình, thì thật ngạt nhiên khi nhìn ra ngoài cửa sổ với không gian tĩnh lặng, mình có cảm giác mà phải thốt lên, deja vu! Side track một chút, mình lên internet để kiểm tra lại từ vựng của mình viết về từ “deja vu” này có đúng không thì thấy có thông tin về từ này. Trên website mà mình hay đọc để hiểu thêm ý nghĩa của từ thì howstuffworks là một trong những nơi mình tin cậy với cách giải thích rất dễ hiểu. Trên website này mình học được là từ “deja vu” là từ tiếng Pháp tạm dịch lại là “đã thấy”/“already seen”. Nói cách ngắn gọn theo website này thì ý nghĩa của từ này chưa được giải thích một cách rõ ràng về lý do tại sao con người lại có cảm giác này. Nếu bạn muốn biết thêm thông tin về từ này thì có thể tìm hiểu thêm nha. Nãy giờ mình nói như là bạn đã biết tới từ này nghĩa là gì, nhưng đối với một số bạn thì từ này vẫn còn là mới. Theo cách mình hiểu thì từ này, deja vu, hay là đã thấy có nghĩa là từ dùng để diễn tả một cảm giác về một khoảnh khắc nào đó mà bạn đã từng trải nghiệm qua trong quá khứ nhưng thật sự là rất mới mẻ đối với bạn. Ví dụ như bạn chưa bao giờ đi du lịch tới nước Anh, nhưng khi đã có cơ hội đi thì những toà nhà cùng với con người tại nơi đó, trong một khoảnh khắc nào đó bạn có cảm giác như đã tới nơi đây rồi. Ví dụ này được lấy từ website mà mình giới thiệu mới nãy đó.

Còn đối với mình, cái cảm giác mà mình cảm nhận được sau khi nhìn ra khung cửa sổ của quán cà phê, là cái cảm giác mà mình đã có trong một giất mơ từ khoảng hai năm về trước rồi. Làm sao mà mình nhớ rõ là nó nằm trong khoảng hai năm nay thì mình không giải thích được. Nhưng cái cảm giác đó rất thuyết phục như là đúng rồi vậy đó. Mà cũng có lẽ là khoảng thời gian mà mình lần đầu tiên mới chuyển tới thành phố này để sinh sống chung với người bạn của mình. Mình sẽ không đi sâu về vấn đề này khi liên quan tới phần tâm linh hay huyền thoại nào đó vì mình đã có cảm giác này rất nhiều lần rồi. Làm như là cái gì đó đã xảy ra nhiều lần thì nó lờn đi như là chuyện thường ngày ở chợ vậy đó. Nhưng mỗi khi mình có cảm giác này thì mình đều phải dừng lại một chút để suy ngẫm về cuộc đời của mình. Mình đã từng nghe một người bạn kể về giây phút của cảm giác deja vu từ người mẹ của bạn ấy là “when you have this feeling, that means you’re on the right track of your life” tạm dịch lại là “khi mình có cảm giác này có nghĩa là mình đang đi đúng con đường của cuộc đời mình”. Cái cách giải thích này làm cho mình có được một cảm giác rất là yên tâm và bình an trong khi mình đang kể lễ về giai đoạn đang chuyển mình của bản thân.

Cái cảm giác hờ hững như mất đi mục đích sống của chính mình, và sự mù mịt về điều xắp tới sẽ xảy ra đã dường như biếng mất từ từ sau khi mình thay đổi cách nhìn về điều đó. Dường như những suy nghĩ và cảm xúc khó diễn tả của mình về giai đoạn khập khiễng này đã dừng lại với cảm giác vững vàng và chắc chắn với lòng tin là những điều tốt đẹp sẽ đến với mình.

Điều này làm mình nhớ lại một câu nói mà mình biết tới qua quyển Kinh Thánh trong sách Jeremiah “For I know that plan I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Vì Ta biết kế hoạch mà Ta có cho ngươi, kế hoạch cho sự thịnh vượng chớ không phải tai hoạ, kế hoạch để ban cho ngươi sự hy vọng và một tương lai.” Câu này đã đi chung với mình qua rất nhiều giai đoạn mà mình nghi ngờ về sự lựa chọn của mình để trấn an mình trong lúc hụt hẫng nhất. Để chia sẽ với các bạn về suy nghĩ này của mình, mình cảm thấy rất vui và được khích lệ khi có thể giải bày chính mình.

Cảm ơn các bạn đã đọc bài viết này của mình. Đây có lẽ là bài viết đầu tiên mà mình kể về suy nghĩ hiện tại của mình. Một phần là để cho mình có cơ hội nói ra điều ở trong lòng vì nếu không nói ra, mình cũng không rõ mình đang suy nghĩ gì nữa. Còn phần còn lại là để chia sẽ với các bạn là người cũng đang có cảm giác khó tả như mình về những dự kiến tương lai chưa thực hiện được. Hy vọng là có thể khích lệ các bạn vững lòng trong thời gian chuyển mình này khi mọi thứ vẫn rất mịt mờ và chưa khẳng định được.

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Dòng Cảm Xúc Của Hiện Tại

cảm xúc tạm thời

những thứ mà dường như rất nhỏ hàng ngày ví dụ như cảm giác của mình thì rất dễ để bỏ qua, nhưng nếu gom nhặt lại thì những điều đó nói lên cái bóng của cuộc đời mình

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

Mình định thay đổi cái câu nói trên để thể hiện cái blog này của mình theo cách riêng của mình nhưng câu này nói lên rất rõ về điều mà blog này muốn truyền đạt tới các bạn. Hãy là chính mình nha!